AUGUST 4, 1995 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE 27

BIG TIPS

It seems like you have to wait until you're 21 to come out

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone

Truly the devil and her handiwork were present at the hardware store this past Friday. It was time to do something about my bathroom, so I thumbed thoughtfully through paint chips and settled on... Battleship Grey. Now perhaps my head was turned by the romantic Canadian spelling of grey, or I had a grossly overinflated sense of my ability to reveal the color's subtle complexities with the plum trim. Nevertheless, especially in the absence of any windows in the room, I now feel a melancholy longing for shore leave whenever I'm brushing or peeing. Sigh.

Dear M.T.,

Iama 19-year-old GWF. I've been trying to come out, and find people like myself. My attempts have failed. I have tried talking to my friends and family. I was told that this is just a phase, and I should keep it to myself. Unfortunately, there are complications to a young woman trying to explain her emotional and sexual feelings when the sexual aspect has never been experienced.

Another problem in trying to feel comfortable about my sexuality came from work. A rumor began, and people avoided me; men made rude comments, and women would not even stand beside me. Though I have been discouraged and ridiculed, I know what I feel. Women are in my heart and my mind, and yet finding someone like myself is not easy.

I began my search to find a way out. I found the Chronicle at Quonset Hut, looking for a place to go. The few friends that support me planned a trip to go dancing at the Interbelt with me. Here's where I hope you can help. The group consisted of three 19-year-olds and one 18-year-old, and we were unable to get in. We called every club in Akron, and some in Cleveland and Canton, soon to find out you have to be 21 to get in.

I wasn't aware you had to be 21 to be queer. I want a place to meet people like me, and have fun. I don't feel comfortable going to a youth group. Anyone can understand, it's hard to just walk into a new situation alone. If there is a place for someone underage to go dancing or to just hang out, someone please tell me. Where can I go?

Looking For A Place To Belong

Dear Dancing With Yourself,

Here's the thing: you only have to be 21 to be queer in a queer bar. You can be queer in the 7-11 at any age, but you're right: hangin' by the Slim Jims may not provide you with the high density of date traffic that leaning rakishly on a bar may.

Here's another thing, though: Although bars have historically been hubs of the G-L community, as time passes there are more and more alternatives for hooking up with our people. And, at the risk of sounding like a total geezer, the romance of bar culture has a lot to do with not having access to it. The Zima loses its headiness, sort of like how the can of frosting you bought doesn't taste as good as

the stuff you snitched when mom was baking.

You're in command of impressive survival skills already: you're strong enough to talk to your family and friends. Don't let their stupid, crusty responses lessen your pride in yourself for being brave and coming out. You have at least three friends who were willing to go dancing with you ask one or all of them to go with you to a queer youth meeting. They don't have to keep going, but it's much easier to walk in with someone you know, y'know?

It may not seem as glam as a club, but it's a group of folks in the same under-age jam, who are dealing with the same kinds of discrimination and frustration, and if you all went to hang out by the Hostess Snowballs together at the 7-11, for a shining moment it'd be a queer convenience store.

Other queer youths are good to hook up with, too, because they're the folks you can pressure older GLBTs with. Hold the grownups accountable: age is an access issue. Why aren't there all-ages dances and events being held in venues that aren't bars? Why don't bars have one alcohol-free Youth Night a month? Why don't more youth venues have queer nights? Go make some trouble and change so kids ten years younger than you won't have to go through this.

Of course, I wouldn't be me if I didn't close by recommending volunteering. Do some work at any queer group that you can find and support. It's a dreamy way to meet folks of all ages who are interested and interesting, and there's no age limit. Every queer has been through some version of your experience, and the ones who are out working in the community are trying to change it. Wouldn't they be good ones to hang with? Good, good luck.

Dear Big Tipper,

I hope my problem is not too strange for you to tackle-I don't know where to turn anymore. My friends are no help at all, as they just laugh at me and tell me to “get over it. "So here goes: I've been seeing this guy for several months now-we are very in love and happy. But I always get a woody when I see a cute guy in a bar or on the street-wherever. By now my boy-pal knows that these woodies are not caused by him specifically, even though he knows what to do with it, and almost always obliges me. Recently he has started to begrudge these woodies for strangers, especially since I can't always get it up for him in private. He's been making pointed and sarcastic comments in front of my friends, who are beginning to look scared whenever they see the two of us coming. I don't want this to be the cause of our break-up. Everything else is so wonderful!

Dear Stiff Competition,

Afflicted By Love

Let me get this right: When you say "he knows what to do with it, and almost always obliges me," do you mean your honey takes care of your needs on the spot when you're

perky over someone else? No wonder he's cross as two sticks when you can't get it up for him.

Now, if you're both into ducking into bathrooms and bushes for quickies, then that's part of your sex life together, and seems to be where much of your energy goes. I don't know how old you are, but if you think conserving your "energy" might help with home-based sex, then it seems decent to wait sometimes and let the moment pass while you're out. Also, the times you want to have sex at home may just not be in sync with your lover's. Ifthe evening's no good after a long day, maybe morning's better, or it's worth waiting for the weekend for time with no interruptions.

reason for not being able to get it up at home, talk to your hon. There are typically scary patches in relationships around three months and six months, and that can put a damper on sex as you figure out what your cupcake looks like after the frosting of infatuation has been licked off. And make sure in your conversations that you make it clear that sniping in front of your friends isn't cool: you're going to need them later to either console you when you break up, or to stand up at your wedding. Good luck.

Send your questions to M.T. Martone at the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland OH 44101; or e-mail to chronohio@aol.com; or

If you think there's more than a physical fax to 216-631-1082.

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